hiraeth
by Enigmatic Ravenna
Summary: / he was a home she never got a chance to go to / [Characters-centered] [Unrequited Love]


_/ he was a home she never got a chance to go to /_

* * *

The halls leading to the knight's destination could view the occupied wide, open, oval training grounds. He could see various trainees ranging from young to old gathered in groups as they practice defensive and offensive moves accompanied by battle cries that energized them to. Sweat was prickling down on their skins and the surroundings seemed to be warm despite the cool air of the afternoon.

Near the entrance of the training grounds was a large platform, and on the farthest center of the platform was the empress of the empire he had dedicated his life to. She was surrounded by two generals, a few trainers, and her escorts as she scanned the area and trainees.

"My liege," the young knight saluted as soon as he reached the empress, his voice loud and clear, cancelling out the mutters of her company.

The woman who stood in the middle of the group turned, displaying her black suit lined with golden strings and geometrical patterns that resembled royalty. She lowered her staff as the knights surrounding her moved about. She raised a delicate brow as she fully turned to look upon the knight, waiting for his message.

"The emperor's meeting is about to be adjourned. He wishes to meet you at his study by then."

She narrowed her eyes and spoke with a stern, "As you can see, and he _should_ know, I am in the middle of a huge session. Did he tell you what it is he wishes to speak about?"

The knight shook his head. "He did not, your majesty. However, he insisted that you must be in his study as the matter is delicate and must be addressed immediately," he explained.

The empress sighed, conveying her displeasure. "Very well," she said, turning to a knight beside her, garnering a pin of the generals. "Continue here Arabelle. I will be back soon," The royalty ordered as she handed her staff to the general, and went on her way along with the young knight.

* * *

Raven stared at her reflection on the mirror inside the study room.

She had grown into a _very_ fine woman. Her body had stopped aging (1) and it was rather uncomfortable to her to see her reflection to be the same over and over again. Friends and foes had begun to envy her over the past few years that she had resigned to teaching and training warriors. However, she knew she had to keep up appearance during balls and galas. Not to mention when kingdoms try to invade Azarath...

Raven sighed heavily and strode towards the resting couch and the center table occupied by a teapot, two teacups, and a plate of pastries. She plopped down softly and stared at the ring resting on her ring finger.

She thought back to the time she returned to Azarath and reconstructed the place along with Dr. Fate and Phantom Strange. It had been years since then; she had witnessed Azarath grew and prosper once again, and so many had changed in her life. Particularly this symbol—

Despite the interruption to her thoughts, Raven made no movement to the sound of the door opening.

"How's the meeting, your majesty?"

"Raven, we're enclosed in four walls. You know the rules."

A sigh. "Levi— (1)" she corrected, "how's the meeting."

A grunt that could be mistaken for a growl engulfed the room before a low voice spoke, "Fucking terrible. I had to restrain myself from punching the living shit out of Bernard because he is just, so, stupid."

The demoness now turned her attention to the black haired man, not taller than her, as he roughly removed his robe and loosened his top.

"But other than that, everything went smoothly. Save for a few people who still think we should liberate some regions from our empire to become their own country, or kingdom; whatever the fuck they want," Levi explained, his sharp eyes now conveying no emotion as he turned to the purple haired woman.

"And I assume you and Erwin explained that it's the _regions_ who do not want to separate," Raven monotonously commented as she poured tea into the teacups and patted the space beside her.

Levi sat down gently beside her and sighed. "This issue has been going for what, five years? It does get tiresome."

Raven hummed and gave him his cup of tea. They quietly sipped the calming beverage and let silence ensue.

"Our empire _has_ grown, indeed. I can't even tell if this is the same place where I grew up."

Steel eyes pierced her being. "Azarath is not just a dimensional plane anymore. It is a steady dimension, and it bears lands filled with many civilizations," Levi said.

"To be fair," Raven started as she turned to look at the man's eyes, "these people are _from_ other dimensions; they are not of Azarath."

"All true. But that Azarath you're looking for has been destroyed. _This_ is the Azarath _you_ created. Habitants just followed and the course of nature took place."

Raven snickered. She could not argue with that.

"We _could_ just remove the empire, you know."

It was now Levi's turn to snicker. "Honey, if it was that easy, we would have done it already." He placed his teacup on the table and moved closer to her. "Besides, weren't you the one who established this empire in the first place?"

"The empire established its own. I have no part in this."

"Really? The fact that you welcomed people who came from wars of another dimensions beg to differ."

"I recreated this place for that specific reason, love. These people had gone and came out _from_ wars and needed a home, my dear. You should know— _you_ are one of them."

Levi chuckled. "Indeed I am. And I am so blessed to win the tournament that locked me in your arms."

Raven let out a laugh. "The tournament was to select the best of the best to serve and protect the gates of Azarath, Levi. You were the one who decided to lock lives with a demon like me, which technically made this whole mess evident in the first place."

Levi tilted Raven's head gently, his thumb and pointing finger resting against her chin. "If that is true, then I fucking don't care. I don't regret it one bit."

The kiss was fast and chaste— but it ignited a fire in her chest. Their eyes locked with each other as they once again leaned in for a deeper, more meaningful kiss.

There was a sudden change in the atmosphere, however.

"Levi," Raven whispered as she pulled back, "Why are you anxious?"

Levi stared at Raven for a while, before tucking her hair behind her ear. "There was a representative from the dimension you spent your young years. They wanted to have some form of formal partnership," he explained with a hint of hesitance and worry in his voice.

Raven blinked and pulled back a bit. "Formal? That's an interesting proposal."

Levi's posture relaxed and he shrugged. "The representative argued that while it is an unspoken partnership that Azarath will continue to welcome the people of their dimension that does not fit in, it is still preferable to have a formal agreement once and for all."

Raven frowned. "This is ridiculous. Who's this representative?"

"A young hero named Red Robin."

The table was then engulfed with black energy and it made Levi's brow raised.

"You know him?" he asked.

Raven averted her gaze and placed her teacup down. "Yes," she leaned into him as he welcomed her in his arms. "Do you remember the team I used to be in?"

"The Titans?"

She nodded. "Red Robin is acquainted with a teammate."

Levi took note of Raven's tone— it seemed bittersweet for some reason. Before he could stop himself, he asked, "Is he acquainted with your bestfriend?"

Both of their eyes widened and neither spoke. Suddenly, tension filled the air as what seemed to be a taboo topic hanged on a nail long ago was making its way to bite them both.

"Yes." Raven decided to share, grabbing his right hand tracing a linear pattern on the man's forefinger. "Red Robin is— was my bestfriend's third successor."

The man's sharp, steel eyes stayed focus on the delicate finger touching his finger, before he took her hands and listened to her as she continued, "He was the one who helped me defeat my father, and showed me that I can be someone more than I thought to be—"

"— and you love him for that."

Raven _almost _flinched; his tone was flat and emotionless. Throughout the years she had known him, and spent with him, she felt that it would have been better if there was _at least_ a hint of hatred from his voice.

"I can't—" a sigh escaped her lips as she pulled back and turned her back on him. "Not yet."

Raven did not need to turn to see his anger on his face. The bond formed between them on their relationship and strengthened by their marriage was so strong; she felt his red, hot anger at her reply.

"It has been _years_. I think it's about time you share it with me."

The man felt her pride and stubbornness ruled her mind, and he knew there was nothing he could do about it. But it had gone far long enough, and his patience was wearing thin from being shut out from that particular part of her life while he practically sprawled his secrets to her.

It _ached_ him to know that she had a secret— anything, _whatever,_ with someone from her past. He could not help but be jealous and compete against who was not even there—

—someone who might have actually moved on from her already.

Levi ran a hand through his hair. "Until you're ready, I'll be here. For now, I think I'll talk to Erwin to arrange a meeting between the generals and us."

Raven could only clench her hands as Levi stood to approach the door, and leave her to her thoughts and a trace of his hidden jealousy and heartbreak.

* * *

Levi stormed the halls. He did not even bother to keep his face emotionless and let his anger be painted on his face. Despite the ache his chest made when he felt her pain, he knew better than to silence himself over a matter that had been eating him alive for years.

He was selfish, and rude, and it nearly killed him when he felt a shot of pain from her. But he knew if he did not give her the push she needed, she will never be able to heal, and fully appreciate what she had right now.

His steps faltered. He wanted nothing more than to run back to her, wrap his arms around her, and whisper sweet words of love to her. But his pride and reasoning stopped him from doing so, and he knew it was for the best.

It was about time as well.

Levi ran a hand through his hair and continued his way towards his general's study. When he arrived, he did not even bother knocking and barged inside.

His general did not even bother looking up from his book. "I suspect you have fought about something else before the discussion of rebuking the empire."

"Can it, Shitty Eyebrows," Levi hissed, taking a seat in front of the blue-eyed blonde.

Erwin closed his book and stared at his majesty. "I won't say anything because it's not my position to, even if you're my friend, Levi," the man started, crossing his arm over his torso and leaning back on his chairs. "However, the Lady is a delicate soul with a tragic past. Your treatments aren't exactly the best way to get some answers from her," he trailed, hoping that he did not worsen the mood of his friend.

The black haired man exhaled deeply. "I know that. It just— it has been so long. I don't want to compete with someone who's not even fucking here— who doesn't even have a fucking face in my mind. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that?"

Levi seemed to mash his face with his hands and spoke with such annoyance, "Fighting those monsters is easier than this."

This made Erwin laugh. "That's the only thing that is easy for you," he commented with a twinkle on his blue eyes. Levi, however, just stared at Erwin with a deadpan expression, but kept his mouth shut.

Neither said anything to the other, knowing fully well that the situation was out of their hands, and solely relied on the empress alone.

"She will come around. She loves you, and the two of you aren't exactly the type of people who lowers their pride. This isn't exactly easy for her."

Levi snorted. "And for me?"

"You just have to trust that the love you share is greater than the secrets she hides."

* * *

Raven's heart ached when Levi walked out of the room.

Whether it was from his accusations (that were painfully accurate at some degree) or her own inquisitions, she was not sure. His emotions were that of a volcano; he did not even bother to hide it and she feared it. It was obvious that he was reaching his limit, yet she just _sat there_, unable to move. The realization just made her heart break even more. The opened her mind that was she was being unfair to Levi; she had been for a long time and it was only a matter of time before the man was pushed past his limits. She needed to do something about it_—_

She needed to confront her past, open up to him, and share her pain to him.

It was hard. Unlike her, Levi came from a world where ruthlessness was necessary and death was only a blink away. He succumbed to the notion to welcome every thing that could give light to his life because the pain of losing it would be more bearable than the regret of pushing it away. She came into his life and treated her as his greatest light, and she feared he would see her differently if this continued.

_Richard_

Her heart called, and she felt awful and pathetic as she recalled her bestfriend. Years had gone by and she was still here, with burning feelings for a man who probably remembered her as someone from her past. It felt bitter coming from her, but what could be done? They had not spoken ever since and closure was never really give to them.

Their friendship was just _gone_.

It was as simple and complicated as that_— _just like her feelings.

Tears fell from her eyes as she lie down on the couch, silently begging the cosmos of her mind of the questions and pleadings that she had had for so long.

_Please, let him go._

_Please, it's about time._

_Please, I hope it wasn't too late._

The tears continued, and she could not help but send a lingering touch of longing to the black-haired man, silently asking him to forgive her.

* * *

Levi found Raven curled up on the couch, with tear stains and clenched fists. His neutral look turned into a frown. Delicately, he kneeled and gathered her in his arms and carried her to their bedroom.

It seemed like a long walk, accompanied by the sadness of the moonlight and lonely tune of the breeze outside. He could not help but stare at her features— from the frame of her hairline, down to the furrow of her brows, her long, lavish eye lashes, her small, delicate nose, up to the thin, frowned lips.

She looked so young— yet so old at the same time. Her features were that of the day he met her, but her aura seemed different— continuously growing as time went by. He thought the latter might had been due to the hardships she had been through.

He could not help but feel proud.

Levi opened the door of their chamber carefully and entered. Gently, he laid Raven on the bed, sat beside her form and started to remove her imperial accessories (he _did_ recall saying she did not need to wear the items when it was just them). Once every accessory was gone, he tucked a hair behind her ear, unconsciously sending a wave of affection and remorse through their connection. The action caused Raven to stir awake. She blinked sleep away and softly called out her husband, her hand moving towards the face of the man beside her.

Levi took her hand and placed it on his cheek, leaning into her warmth. "You should sleep."

Raven grunted and snuggled back into the pillow, her thumb caressing Levi's face.

"Are you still mad?"

Her question came out with such innocence that could rival a child's. Levi shook his head no and decided to lie down next to her. "I'm not. I'm sorry I snapped at you."

His apology lacked emotion, but he was never the one who can openly show the genuineness of his emotions— and so was she.

When Azarath was rebuild and they met, their company had commented about the similarities between them and how a relationship would have been interesting to see.

To say at least, they were right about the interesting part. No one had thought it would be _incredibly_ difficult as well.

"As you know, he was my bestfriend."

Levi clenched his jaw and held her hands with his as she continued to speak, "What I told you before— it was basically everything. The difference is only I have feelings for him. I hid it from the world, the team, and from him."

"A few years after, the Titans decided to part ways. That was when _something_ happened to be there between us. We trudged the line between friendship and relationship for almost a year. But we never really got there. He didn't want a relationship. I didn't really have an idea on what to do, so I let it be."

Raven sat up, her hands still enclosed by Levi's as she concluded her tale. "A few months after, he's with someone else. I didn't have the heart to confront him anymore. When Dr. Fate and Phantom Strange proposed the idea of rebuilding Azarath, I took it, thinking it's a way out," she let her gaze wandered to Levi. "It started out like that, but if you're thinking that you are included in my way out— you weren't. I was genuinely interested in you. I was genuinely happy when you won— and I really do feel something for you."

"Raven, I never doubted your feelings towards me. I never doubted _you_. I was just hurt and jealous about the fact that seemed to be competing with a man I never knew," Levi averted his gaze before adding, "And it seemed to me that you harbour, some sort of anger and regret over whatever it was in your past."

Levi could not help but stare as the woman, much younger than him internally fidget at his statement. "Raven," he muttered, sitting up and tucking her head on his neck, "— you're my _wife_. The fact that he remains in your heart is something I greatly respect. He was a big part of your life— you implied so yourself."

He inhaled her scent. "Now that you've shared that to me, I'm not mad. It gave me a peace of mind. But I do have to request, that you have to fully accept that he is already a part of your past, and forgive yourself for something you have no control over, and continue to live."

Raven could not prevent the sharp intake of breath as he spoke the words that seemed to sow her reaped thoughts about _him_. She slowly pulled back and stared at his eyes.

Steel clashed with amethyst and the both of them swore their souls swooned— entangling themselves around one another as understanding and peace blanket them with tranquillity that they never knew they needed. Raven brought a hand to Levi's face, her thumb caressing his jaw; and the latter could not help but leaned in to her touch, spoiling himself with the love she was giving.

"I chose you, Raven. Every single day— your love may be whole or not, your trust may be half or not, and your past may be damned or not."

Raven closed her eyes and let her face contort into silliness as she laughed heartily before joking, "Well, my past is _beyond_ damned." Raven traced his lips with her thumb.

"And I chose you too, Levi— my husband. Your past may be damned or not."

And again, their lips touched.

* * *

It had been hours since they finally indulged to fatigue that took over. But unfortunately, Raven's mind could not keep still.

By the time she realized it, she was already in the balcony of their room, gazing upon the cliff moon-kissed forests that adorned the room's view. On her left side was a book, neatly tucked under her arm as her right hand grazed over its yellow pages.

She sighed heavily and decided to stare at the book, before opening to a certain page to take out what she _used to _consider her greatest treasure was hidden.

It was a picture of her and Richard— Robin, Dick, Nightwing.

The man she loved.

The photograph was taken during autumn, her favourite season. She was out for a coffee and wanted to read a new book she purchased. To her surprise, he was there, and what was supposed to be a quiet afternoon became a lovely chat between them. They walked to the park together to watched the sunset and she remembered how determined he was to get a picture with her, to which she reluctantly gave in just as the sunset painted the sky.

Raven stared at the old Polaroid photograph as memories of her youth, her Titan days, and her love for him resurfaced. The day Starfire crashed, the first fight the team had, _the prophecy_, Tokyo, up to the last farewell they all shared.

"_You have to fully accept that he is already a part of your past, and forgive yourself for something you have no control over."_

Her husband's words ran through her mind and clenched her heart. While Raven did not feel any tears coming out, she felt her heart cried enough for her to let out a sad smile. To this day, she still held powerful, lingering feelings for her bestfriend. And while she was happy with where she was now, she could not help but wonder what her life had been if the fates were not as cruel as it should be and gave her a chance to know— to feel what life would be if he loved her back—

—if he had seen her, and chosen her.

She chuckled and traced Richard's face on the Polaroid. She continued staring at it before placing her eyes upwards the twinkling night sky of Azarath. She had no doubt that Richard cared for her. The sacrifices he made for her, and the memories they shared together were enough proof of that.

What happened between them was genuine, at a time— but it was something that was not meant for her.

"_You have to fully accept that he is already a part of your past, and forgive yourself for something you have no control over."_

A soft fire erupted from her fingertips and she watched as the flames engulfed the photo.

"He was a home— _was my_ home. And I'll never forget." She whispered softly as her feelings flowed through her veins, reminding her that of the first love that engulfed her with warmth she did not fully grasped and understood, but had sparked her soul and was grateful for. As the night breeze continued to sweep away the ashes from her hands, a small, bittersweet smile settled on her face as her hand emptied.

_I will always love you, Richard—_

Raven suddenly felt herself being encircled by firm arms and warmth. She turned around and stared at the steel eyes of her emperor.

"It's a lovely night. I'm sorry for waking you up," she said.

"You didn't wake me up." Levi said, kissing her forehead. "You are wrong though, it isn't a lovely night. Not without you by my side."

She blushed at his words as he placed his lips onto hers.

_—__I am home now. Thank you._

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**I'm publishing this separately because this is a very personal piece for me. As you all know, I see myself in Raven, or the other way around. Ironically, I also see Richard in my bestfriend as well. Our friendship was wonderful, something I always wanted to cherish and grow— something achingly similar to the Birds. I love him, I really do, but I guess life has other plans for the both of us, and no matter how much it breaks my heart, I really need to let him go.**

**I guess you can say he's the **_**Robin**_** of my life. The one who saw something in me when no one else did; the one who believed in me when I even doubted myself; the one who showered me laughter and joy when I drowned in darkness. Though we have parted ways, he is always welcome in my life, and I'd go back to him faster than the speed of light. He'll always have my love, even from far away.**

**This should have been way longer, but I have to stop writing because my eyes are hurting from all the crying and words couldn't justify the pain I'm feeling.**

**Thank you.**

**1.) I **_**do**_** have an idea for a dystopian/royalty crossover of Shingeki no Kyojin and Teen Titans but, I might post it on Archive of Our Own. I just felt the Levi/Raven dynamic— much better than Slade/Raven to be honest. But I won't push it through **_**unless**_** I have enough opinions regarding the idea. Please leave your thoughts on the review, along with your review or critique of the work, regarding the matter.**

**Side note: I did not put this as a crossover because this revolves on the subtle, implied romance between the Birds (well, the unrequited part anyway). Plus, the SnK fandom is bigger in AO3, and I'm not fishing for audience from there.**

**Once again, thank you.**

**Disclaimer: The Teen Titans belongs to Warner Bros. and DC Comics. Shingeki no Kyojin belongs to Hajime Isayama**


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